It's been a Long, Long Ride

Where has the summer gone? Where have I been? Why did I disappear to? After Grandma died it just got a bit crazy.

We spent a week in NY taking care of the family business. We then came home for a day and a half and we were off for our vacation. Yes, we drove to Florida (with two kids). No awards are necessary. Yes we are amazing. And yes the kids are still alive to tell the story. Seriously, it was a great trip and the kids were terrific. We were home two days before we started the whole school thing. Yes, the kids are back in school.

So why do I feel sooo weird. I cannot shake this sad, melancholy. A feeling of dread. It might be the disaster in the Gulf. Even when you try not to watch you cannot help seeing the images of hopelessness. Or maybe it is the feeling that my boys are growing up. Or is it fear on embarking on a new life with kids in school and the guilt of putting in David in extra school so I can have more time. Hmmm. Lots to think about.

So you can see why I feel like I am on a roller coaster and I've just slowly climbed the hill and as I peak over the top I do not know what I am heading into. I pray for guidance on this ride.

It's Over

Grandma's long, courageous battle is finally over. The Lord has finally brought her into his fold. Carole, my mother-in-law said she went peacufully in her sleep as she had prayed for. Now is the hard part. The missing part. I already feel the emptiness, and I didn't see her often because we live so far away. I can only imagine what Carole is feeling. The good news is she has a terrific support group of people who have surrounded her with love and support and are holding her hand every step of the way. I look forward to giving her a hug.

As for the kids, Jim, as always, was so sweet. He was gentle with the boys as he explained to them. They clearly understood. Then David gave his Dad a hug. It was tremendous. Tom, being a boy of what's next, asked when is the funeral. It's amazing what kids can handle and how well they do. I love them.

How did my Mom do it?

How can two boys who kiss and hug each other one minute wrestle the next? I know my Mom said my sister and I fought like crazy (ok I also remember), and now we are best friends. The question is how do the boys live to become friends? How do I survive? I decided to do some research and found a cool website and an article on Why Siblings Fight. I hope you enjoy it. I plan on reading it over and over till I figure something out. It's either that or some really strong Duct Tape.

The Plan - For What It's Worth

Well I heard it again yesterday at a Toastmaster's Officer's training meeting - First you must create then plan and then you must work the plan. Hmm. Sounds good.

The Plan - When School Starts (yipee - can you see me dancing)

• Get back on track with God no matter what the distractions.
  
• Work the equivalent of three full days - work around kids school schedule.
• Organize the house and declutter - get help from Organize it All.
• Get bills organized and a budget - we have big goals that depend on this.
• Have at least 3 hours of "me" time a week - the hardest one to visualize.

The Goal - The Why
When I do all that I say that I am going to do, I will reap the benefits of:

• A cluttered free mind and home.
• A spiritual awakening and joy once again.
• Security and bent toward the future.
• Peace of mind.

Consider it done - or as it might be said "make it so."

Since I Gave Up, God Took Over

Thanks God. Today I can say that I rode out that storm. It was brief and turbulent, and in the end all survived. A bit wounded, but not life threatening. What I have learned is that I cannot do it all. I need to ask for help, sooner. I need to create time for me, sooner. I mean it needs to get on my calendar first and then fill in appointments. I also learned that meetings out side the home does not count as "me" time. I also learned that God can't help me until I am ready. Thank you.

Okay, I give up!!!

Last night I hit the wall. It has been a difficult week. Although my performance in my sales career has been excellent, my personal life just went crazy. On Monday my kids had a bad hair day and they weren't going alone. Apparently while they were at camp, when they weren't in time out, they were terrorizing the other little campers. Let's just say an incident report needed to be filled out. I get a call to come and get them and by they way they might not be welcome back. Then came Tuesday. This is a day that I normally have a weekly training from 8:00 to 11:00. What I thought was a reliable sitter turned out not to be as reliable as I needed. Okay, she has not been dependable in the past, but I had no one else (my bad) so I counted out her. Well, we must have had what we call "mutual mystification" because she never came and she did not think she was supposed to be there. That was different from my understanding. Needless to say, I was beside myself, which is hard to do. On top of that I don't have air conditioning and it was hot, really hot.

So at 12:00 in the morning, after my kids woke up for more water, I could not go to sleep. My mind was racing. My life seemed hopeless. I was making plans (okay, I'm being dramatic). I literally got out of bed so I wouldn't wake Jim up with my crying. He woke up and came down and just sat with me and we had a very incoherent conversation through my tears and then I could sleep. But poor Jim now was awake. He eventually went to sleep.

The sun rose and it was a new day. I cleared my mind and decided I was going to take charge so I had a pow wow with the boys about what they would do in camp today. I knew they would comply, after all the alternatives were not pretty. I went to work and had a great day doing what I love to do. I set up my plan for child care for Tuesday's and Thursday (starting next Tuesday). I took the boys to the game room at the mall and got them popcorn. We had a fun dinner and went to VBS.

Yes, today was a much better day. My mind was clear and I was able to channel my resources to develop and implement a plan. Thanks for the morning.

Endless Summer Syndrome - It's Got a Name

I knew I wasn't crazy (yet). Here is proof. Read this article and step into my world. Hope you enjoy it.

Whelton: Coping with Endless Summer Syndrome
By Jack Whelton/ Among Friends
Friday, July 29, 2005

So when you are feeling a little crazy and the you start to check how much gas you have in the tank and how far it will take you, remember September is almost here.

A date - With My Son

My husband and I were talking about how hard it is to spend special time with each of or boys. When we just had Tom, Jim had time to take him for their special walks or bike rides. And Tom and I spent lots of one-on-one time. Then came David. He is a joy to be around, most of the time. But the quandary became, when does Tom get just us. And David was always part of a team.

Tonight we tried something and I think it worked. I took Tom and Jim took David. Jim is not back yet so I don't know how their night has gone. By the way, where are they those dirty stay outs. As for Tom and I, we had a great night. We met a friend and the kids played in a gym - ran and jumped till they were dripping with sweat. Then we went to dinner. It's interesting how the dynamics are so different when Tom does not have to compete with David. It was very nice. I could tell Tom really appreciated it, he was beaming.

Next we will change things up a little and I will take David and Jim will take Tom. If we do this once a month for each that will give us each a night out with the boys. Now we just have to find time for a date for mommy and daddy. Hmm.

Remember Count to Ten

I called a friend today and immediately I realized she was having one of those moments. You know them, the one where you think if you could just catch your kids you would woop them. Apparently it had been a day of moments like that on top of a particularly difficult day for her physically. I offered to come over and help clean up the mess she was cleaning and she declined. I let her know I was available if she needed me, as always.

Later in the day I called to check in to see if anyone ended up in the hospital or was she ready for the rubber room. By then things were calming down. What changed? When I first called she was able to vent. She then sent the kids to their rooms and gave herself some space. And then, this was key, she took a shower. It's amazing how cathartic a shower can be. She was able to start fresh and clean with enough energy to face the rest of the day. Until tomorrow.

So when the day is crazy, get a shower. Seriously, when I was in my "self-awareness" mode and working on my issues many years back, I remember hearing at a meeting that when you are having a day that seems to be spiraling out of control you should literally get back in bed, get out of bed and start the day over, including taking a shower. I have actually done that and it works. So if you need to start your day over, go ahead, I give you permission to go back to bed, and while your there feel free to take a nap.

Life is Hard, But God Is Good

It has been a difficult weekend. My husband's grandmother is in a nursing home and not doing well. In fact, we got the call that she might be on her last leg. We've gotten this call several times before (Grandma is called the "Energizer Bunny" because of her come backs in the past) but this time it seemed more serious. So off we went to see her in New York.

I have known Grandma for 23 years, and she really is my Grandma now. Death is not easy and it is especially hard when it is a long, tortured death. Grandma is a woman of dignity and selfless, which makes it all the more difficult to watch. For a brief moment, I feel anger as to why this is happening the way it is. Certainly she deserves a more dignified return home to the Lord. And then I remember it is not my will but His.

I don't often talk about my faith here, but for this I must. Life has been hard but God has been good. Even in this situation I see God at work. I see the people who have taken care of Grandma for the last year rally around her to really take care of her now. I see my mother-in-law share her faith even in these hard times. I see my whole family show their strength during a very difficult time. What has made the difference? It has been our faith. I thank you God for that.

We love Grandma and don't want to see her go, and we also know that life here on earth is temporary so it won't be long till we are all together. God, we sit in your will and wait, patiently.

Where has the summer gone????

I cannot believe it is July 21st. The summer seems to have flown by. I remember wondering how are we were going to get through the summer and here it is almost over. So what have we been up to?

• We went to visit family in NY for a time. That was very relaxing.
• We spent a week helping sell fireworks with my husband's fireworks business. That was fun.
• We started a camp for the boys which allowed me to got back to some work. That has been great.
• We joined the health club which has a pool and we've spent lots of time there. That has been the best.

Throughout this I have learned some valuable lessons. Something I already knew but needed to re-learn at a much deeper level. I am at my best when I work hard, play hard and rest hard. When I become the "grouchy mom" it is because I am out of balance. If I do not take care or me, well let's just say "when mom's not happy, ain't nobody happy."

I have also learned to really take care of my "I" and not focus on the "R". "I" means who I am or my identity. "R" means my role. Most people get them confused, especially moms. We get lost in our "R" and for get we "I". And, if we have a bad "R" day we feel like bad people when we just had a bad day. I needed to really get that. I now I know I did. That has been the best lesson learned this summer.

So now when "I" am busy being a mom in my "R" , I am not wishing "I" was at work because I am enjoying my "R". Also, if I have a bad hair day as a mom, which happens every now and then (she says tongue in cheek) I am not devastated. "I" review what I could have done better or different in my mom role and then I move on, because "I" am still a valuable human being.

Pretty heavy stuff. Sorry for that but I needed to say it.

6 Year's Old????

This week Tom turns 6, and it seems to have been a blink of an eye. When did that happen? I can still remember nursing him, over and over. In fact my husband thought I never left that spot on the couch. I was there in the morning when he left for work and there when he got home.

Time, or the concept of time, has changed since the boys have come. What seemed like a life time is now just a moment in time. And for the kids it is the opposite. If they are looking forward to something like a special play date, the day's seems like years. It's kind of fascinating.

For me, I work on the here and now. My goal is to keep one eye on the future (goals and dreams) while the other eye is busy looking at the present. How sad to reach the goal and miss the journey. I pray for the wisdom and patience to accomplish these things while maintaining a modicum of grace.

Independence Day

It has been a while since I blogged. What have I been up to? Well, I have been helping my husband with his fireworks stand. Every year he takes a week off and sets up a stand and sells fireworks. Fireworks are his passion. He's loved them since he was a boy. I must admit that it was a challenge to do this. It was 12 days from home. The days were long and hot. My kids were great. We brought toys and packed snacks and food. We ate a lot at a pizza shop that was behind us. My kids think the chef is the best. My youngest enjoyed potty training this week and we made great progress (I guess it is cool to use a bathroom at the restaurant) plus it didn't hurt that he got party poppers every time he performed.

Here's the best part. Although this was challenging to do, and I might add exhausting, it sparked a light in Jim's dream pilot. He felt, once again, the exhilaration of being in business for himself and realized that it was what he enjoyed. He said he didn't mind the long hours and hard work. He was able to work for himself and spend time with us. He hopes to someday find a business that can help him achieve that sense of independence. I plan on helping him. It was nice to see him feel good for one week.

Hold on to the Dream

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, and I must admit sad. It has been a difficult month, and I am having a hard time getting out of my funk. As is my usual custom, I have been trying to figure out why this is happening. After some thought I think I have some answers. I have been busy doing and have taken my eyes off the goal. I got so caught up in fulfilling all my roles, I lost sight of my goals. If that wasn't bad enough, I suddenly realized that my dreams (goals) are not the same as those around me. I think that was the hardest revelation. So I am experiencing some grief. I need to re-think my plan and look at my goals. And then I need to take hold of my dreams and move toward them.

Well it is not going to be easy, but I will persevere. I honestly don't know how, I am feeling a bit lonely, but I will pray and ask for wisdom, guidance and discernment. I know it is not my plans that I am working but His.

When all else fails, do something!

As I get back on my feet, I am slowly making progress again. What I am finding out is that I am getting back to basics. I know what works and what doesn't. So for now I am working what works and will work on developing what doesn't. That is if it makes sense to work on it.

The one thing that I am finding that I resist the most is a system. Being confined to a box. Rules, structure and guidelines. Hmmm. What my kids need most are structure, set and defined boundaries and rules. Hmmm. This is quite a dilemma and explains why I feel like a fish out of water most of the time. Help, I can't breathe.

Okay, it's not that bad, but sometimes it feels that way. So I will muddle through and figure it out. But the truth is that I have determined I cannot do it myself, alone. I am reaching out big time. I am calling in all my buddies and saying I am lost and need help. That is hard for me. I have been raised to be self-sufficient. "Get over it, other people have it worse than you. Just pick yourself up and do it."

Well I am, just my way. In the meantime, I bought myself an old fashioned planner and I am getting busy developing a plan. Wish me luck and say a prayer.

Happy Father's Day

Isn't it great there is a day to celebrate all the Father's of the world. I know my husband, the father of my two boys certainly deserves celebration. I am letting him sleep in late today and will make him a yummy breakfast and then I have a surprise for him for the afternoon. But why do we celebrate fathers?

I celebrate fathers because without them I would be insane. Jim gives the boys structure and leadership. He is tender and firm with them. He shares the burden of raising my two boys, and at times, takes on more than his share, depending on where I am in my life. We are a team. Without him I would be useless as a mom. I would have to look elsewhere for help and he is the perfect helpmate.

James Dobson in his books on parenting comments on how critical a father's role is in a child's life. The fact that so many families are being raised without fathers is going to play a pivotal role in the families that are faced with that situation. He commented on the numerous studies of men in prison who are lifetime criminals and the fact that most of them were raised in a single parent home, without a dad. Obviously, this cannot be avoided sometimes. And sometimes it is better to be a single parent than have both in the home depending on the relationship and the parents. But all things being equal, children need two loving parents to make them well rounded and loving individuals when they grow up.

So for all the father's out there, especially my husband, Happy Father's Day. We could not do it without you.

Here comes the Sun . . .

I woke up this morning to a 3 year old climbing in bed with me because he wanted to snuggle, the birds chirping and the sun shining. It was pretty awesome. Okay, it was only 6:30 in the morning, but it was a beautiful 6:30 in the morning. It has been great taking this time for myself to regenerate my batteries. As I sit here in the morning listening to my boys play and enjoy the crisp air, I feel grateful for even the stress and anxiety I feel. For at least I feel something.

Tomorrow who knows what life will bring so I try to live in the moment, even when it isn't comfortable. I learn to stretch my comfort zone and grow as a person. It's like being in life's gym. There are some days you just need a shower after a long work out and others where you need to just sleep from the exhaustion. But usually you want to enjoy the workout. Life is great. Thanks.

Where in the world is this Streetsmartmom?

You probably have noticed a lack of information on this blog. I try not to miss a week of blogging. However, recently I felt the need to retreat into myself to re-group and re-think my world. I recently was given some feedback from someone who is important to me that was not what I expecting to hear. My world became a little shaky. So I have taken a break to think, and try to understand the source of the feedback and the nature of the feedback.

After taking my own advice and getting some extreme self-care, I have come to the conclusion that I am ok. I just need to re-group. My (I) or Idenity was shaken because I was told my (R) how I was performing in a particular Role was not meeting someone's expectations. Wow, for a mom and a women, that was a blow. But then I put it in perspective and came away with my usual life lessons.

I am still ok. I am an I-10 (I am a good and whole person, the way God created me) even though my R is a 3 at times. So I am going to change what I can. I am going to work on the R - improve my role by developing a plan of action and working the plan. That should improve my performance. The best part is that I realize that I am always ok no matter whether I am good at something or not. It takes practice to be good at something, but not practice to be me. I am me. So I am off to work on the Role. I will keep you posted on how I do.

Take Care of Mom!!!! 

When Mom's not Happy

Maybe the moon is full or there is a convergence of PMS, but I have spoken to several moms who are in desperate need of a vacation. Not a vacation, like Disney World, but a vacation from their families. Yes, we love our families. Yet, from what I am hearing, it has become apparent to me that in the midst of taking care of the world, we have forgotten to take care of our selves.

I believe this is more common than not. I have yet to figure out how to create a schedule that has "mommy preservation" time built in. For me what happens is that one day I wake up and find that I am feeling crazy. Then my husband or someone will pitch in so I can take a break. Why don't I make that part of my regular plan instead of an emergency option? Good question. I don't know but I will work on that.

For now I am focused on a warm and memorable summer. How do I do that? How do I not allow the world to take me over? How do I maintain some sanity? I am joining a pool/health club. Yes, we will lounge and play and I will work out. I cannot wait. I forget how much I need it. My husband will get what he needs also, a wife who is happy and hopefully more toned. The kids will get a happy mommy that is not so grumpy. All in all it sounds like a great plan. I will keep you posted.

In the meantime, keep the air mask scenario in mind. If you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of anyone else.